The maid of honor just puked.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
