i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
