seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
