One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
