the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
