You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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