i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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