i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
