I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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