I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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