My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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