tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
