Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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