There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
