it wasn't lemon gatorade
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize