I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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