So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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