see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
