I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
