My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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