For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
