We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
