I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
