I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
