I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
