Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think people are normalizing furries
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
