I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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