I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
