note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
