Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I need moral support for this bender
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
