She is in my trunk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
