Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize