i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
