I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize