Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
pop tarts are not kleenex
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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