I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I stole a fireplace last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
