it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize