Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
