bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
