Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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