How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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