Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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