i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
