The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
