You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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