and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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