What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
