I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't deserve a penis
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
