Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
