ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
