allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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