my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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