Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
