I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
