My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
