Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
