the condom got lost in my hair
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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