I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
