It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
