I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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