At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
