I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
