Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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